Why the NIH Should Spend Billions to Give Me Futuristic Real Fake Tits
and How That Would Fast-Track Synthetic Organ Development, Extend Longevity, Solve the Fertility Crisis, and Save Civilization
Ok, I’ve been doing my research. Basically we need the world’s best scientists in regenerative medicine, biomaterials, stem cell biology, voodoo, and synthetic immunology to stop everything they’re doing for 1-5 years to develop a scalable platform for personalized, non-immunogenic fat substitutes aka synthetic fat that integrates seamlessly with the body, to be injected into your tits, creating a new generation of breast implants that actually look real. It will cost millions of dollars per person. But true beauty is not a welfare program. This isn’t Botox at a strip mall. This isn’t Kylie Jenner playing Frankenstein with a Groupon. This is Olympus.
I’m aware that you can currently use your own fat and have it transferred anywhere without this elaborate process. But that requires one to get fat in order to harvest it, and that simply will not do.
Imagine a world where breast implants move naturally with the real motion of the human body—unlike current implants, which are designed to look good in 2D but fail in the third dimension of real life, designed for the kind of man who would rather fuck a jpeg and the symbolic approximation of the thing he wants, rather than of going after real thing. But I am no such man. I am the last man in America who knows what beauty even is. Not aesthetic compliance. Not brand-safe gender conformity. Beauty.
I’ve been trying to convince my scientist friends to abandon their world changing research and dedicate the prime of their careers to this and only this for 1-5 years, but nobody wants to hear it. Least of all the women in STEM, who I naively assumed might understand where I’m coming from. They profoundly don’t. They hesitate because their careers are built on the soft fascism of incrementalism. They shattered the glass ceiling only to become the new gestapo of aesthetic sterility, enforcing beautylessness in the name of consensus. They want “transformative breakthroughs” that don’t offend their tenure review committees. They want Nobel Prizes without the horror of ambition. They want compression underpants. They don’t want to be gods. They want to be middle managers of the sublime. And for that, they will be forgotten.
What I am proposing is a planetary shift in biotechnological ambition: we need an all hands on deck public private Manhattan-project-meets-playboy-in-outer-space research initiative with fast-tracked development, compressed regulatory pathways, and robust legal and ethical oversight, including navigating clinical trials with unprecedented urgency, and creating an entirely new legal framework to support synthetic organ generation.
Right now, we’re focusing on tits. My tits, specifically. But synthetic fat is just the gateway drug. From there, we enter the era of:
-immune-evasive biomaterials
-automated 3D bioprinting systems so like an assembly line for printing liver scaffolding on demand
-tissue blueprint patents $
-AI-guided tissue formation, so organs that self-organize based on what you need
-we could even add extra sensory neurons to breast tissue. We could make your titties bioluminescent. We could do anything.
A manhattan project for synthetic organs is necessary because transplants are dead end at scale. Imagine treating organs like replaceable, programmable modules. This could extend life to like 120 years, not as a ceiling, but as a functional baseline.
If you’re reading this and hoping to live to 200, but you’re not treating your body the way an Olympic athlete treats theirs, then at some point, you’re going to need a new organ. I guarantee that some of you reading this have your shoulders hunched, your neck craned forward, and your jaw clenched. And those small postural habits, repeated daily over years, are quietly destroying your body. You’re going to need new parts if you want to make it to the singularity.
And unless we launch a Manhattan Project–level initiative for synthetic organs, we’re looking at a 15-30 year timeline before we have something like scalable synthetic organs.
People love to say, “AI will solve everything, so timelines don’t matter.” But that’s just a convenient way to avoid dealing with the actual complexity of the logistics, politics, biology, and capital constraints of innovation. Like… just cleaning the data is a huge fucking problem.
I don’t know why this is my current fixation. I woke up feeling very spiritually off-center today. I’ve been feeling kind of exploited and unloved and spiritually abused lately. So this is my fairyland I recede into for respite. Thank you for reading, I love you pretty machine.
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Technical Footnotes
Starting with a high-demand application like cosmetic breast augmentation provides two main strategic advantages:
1. Scalable and reproducible manufacturing processes
2. A well-defined anatomical context for refining biomechanical characteristics (how soft tissue moves, how it feels, and how it potentially degrades). These seem like purely cosmetic problems, but they are actually fundamental engineering challenges that we absolutely need to figure out for any synthetic soft tissue replacement to work safely, no matter what you're using it for.
Here’s why:
When you push down on natural fat, it squishes and then slowly bounces back, which basically absorbs and spreads out physical forces. If a synthetic version is too hard or too bouncy, it creates concentrated stress points where it meets real tissue. These pressure points can cause chronic inflammation, pain, tissue irritation, implant erosion, pressure ulcers, or simply restrict movement. Achieving a natural feel isn’t just about aesthetics, it’s crucial for how well the body integrates with the material. When an implant feels right, your tissues integrate with it better. Getting the right feel is basically the foundation of biomimetic design across the entire field of regenerative medicine, and is directly applicable to pretty much every synthetic organ and soft tissue replacement we're trying to develop.
Also, it’s important to keep in mind that your cells are not chill. They are really high-maintenance, bitchy, judgmental, demanding, uncompromising, they lose their mind when you ask them to do anything beyond the minimum amount of work required, and have a collective meltdown if they aren’t in their perfect little Goldilocks zone of comfort 24/7. Which we love.
If their environment isn’t just right, they call in the immune system’s SWAT team to clear out the intruder. But if synthetic fat feels like real fat—not too hard, not too springy—your cells are much less likely to freak out and be like, "get this shit out of here.”
So, instead of building thick, ridged scar tissue shell around the implant, which is bad, your body forms a thinner, more flexible one. If the feel is exceptionally natural, your body might even grow tiny blood vessels into the implant, helping it settle in better and last longer. Basically: Good feel = body is friendlier = fewer problems.
Why this matters?
The reason why we’re even bothering with real fake tits in the first place is because synthetic fat is the minimum viable product for synthetic soft tissue. If we can perfect the jiggle physics—and I use that term with all the scientific seriousness it deserves—we can use that knowledge to fix everything else. Hearts, livers, whatever. We’re not just building fake tits. We’re building a roadmap for the future of synthetic soft tissue.
Addendum 04JUN2025 2:20pm PST
Asking American tax payers to fund my real fake tits is too a little too communist for my tastes. So instead, I would like to revise the proposal: I am seeking a private investor to commit $230 billion over a five-year period to catalyze this groundbreaking venture. Think of it not as philanthropy, but as legacy.
Serious inquiries may be directed to:
parakeetnebula@gmail.com
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fake tits for my real friends, real pain for my sham tits. or something
why what's wrong with your real ones