Parakeet for President

My name is Parakeet and I am running for President of the Realist party.

My first order in office is to protect hedge funds, who help provide the fertile financial soil that our country needs to grow. I'm going to protect the big interests of pharma, and I'm going to ensure that their profits keep our economy stable and GDP growing.

On my first day of office, I'm going open our doors to only the Saudis and Chinese. I'm going to unlock the U .S. housing market, allowing for every homeowner in this great country to triple leverage their mortgage on Coinbase.

Together, we are going to remove contribution caps for lobbyists who seek to influence this country in a more positive, better direction. Reagan used to say trickle down economics, well I'm saying rainfall economics.

That’s why on my first day of office, I’m going to list Alaska on Zillow— where other countries can come in and use Alaska for brief amounts of time and we can charge them cleaning fees to take care of our.

Our Airbnb Alaska strategy will solve America's debt crisis in two years if we can keep occupancy above 40 percent. And using innovative technologies like ride sharing, we will share our oil transportation networks that we frack from Alaska.

And using the capital from our visionary hedge funds, we will fund the entire operation and cycle that into US Treasuries that bolster the United States economic prowess throughout this great planet.

And if that does not work, we will invade Afghanistan again. And again. And we will keep invading Afghanistan until our problems go away.